


Not Going to Work

by Anonymous



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack, Derek Hale Has a Big Dick, Happy Ending, M/M, My First Work in This Fandom, One of my tags made me LOL, Stiles Stilinski Has a Dick, Stiles Stilinski is Legal, Tags Are Hard, The Author Regrets Everything, Why Did I Write This?, did I mention the crack?, probably more like mature tbh, rated explicit to be safe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:49:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26570932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Stiles couldn't believe it. Derek and him? It was never going to work.
Relationships: Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski
Comments: 7
Kudos: 70
Collections: Anonymous





	Not Going to Work

**Author's Note:**

> First thing I've written in nearly 10 years and it's complete and utter crack *sigh*

Stiles stared down at Derek's cock in horror. It... it was so big. It was long, thick and was weeping precum. Stiles longingly traced the prominent vein on its side with his eyes. Stiles vacillated for a few moments between wanting to get down on his knees to worship it and wanting to cry. In the end he settled for stepping back slowly, raising his head to mournfully look Derek in the eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Derek," he said sadly. "This is never going to work out in the long term and I don't want a one night stand. Not with you."

"What are you talking about?" Derek asked in confusion. He looked down at his own dick as if he had never seen it before. "What's wrong with my cock?"

"Nothing! There's absolutely nothing wrong with it," Stiles hurriedly said.

"Then why do you look like you're going to cry?"

"I have secretly been in love with you for years and I thought all our flirting for the last few months was about to pay off," Stiles sniffled. "But now I know that we have no future together." A single perfect tear rolled down his cheek.

"What? Why?" demanded Derek. "You have to know I've been in love with you for years, too. I feel like we're at a really good place. I want to date you, not just sleep with you. Is that what you're worried about?"

"No, having gotten to know you even better recently I know that you're serious. _I'm_ serious. It just... won't work," Stiles said.

"But why? Tell me why," implored Derek.

Stiles just pointed at his own erect cock.

"It's your dick," Derek said slowly. "I mean, it's hard so I don't think a lack of attraction is the problem."

"No, I'm definitely attracted to you," Stiles confirmed. "It's just, my dick has the wrong dimensions."

"What," Derek said with no inflection.

"Don't you see? Yours is both longer and thicker than mine!" Stiles huffed. 

"And that's a problem," Derek said, not quite believing where the conversation was going. The night had begun so well, too. Stiles and he had been having a quiet drink together in a local dive bar, enjoying the downtime between monsters of the week, when their flirtations had finally transformed into something serious. They had fumbled and groped in the back seat of the uber and continued in the elevator all the way up to his loft. Clothes had quickly been shed as they kissed their way through the loft and up the spiral staircase to Derek's bedroom. Now they stood completely naked and Stiles was in tears looking at Derek's cock. It was a bit of a mood killer, if Derek was being honest.

"It's just..." Stiles trailed off. He inhaled shakily but closed his eyes while he held his breath and was a bit calmer when he finally exhaled and opened his eyes. "Everything I've ever read, every single fanfic, every single m/m romance, _everything_ , tells me we won't work out."

"And why's that?" Derek was confused but needed to understand.

"Because it's always the same. For us to work? For us to be happy? You have to have a fatter, but shorter, dick than me. Mine needs to be thinner, but longer. That's just the way it works. Every Sterek fic, every m/m book that isn't even about us? One has to be fatter but shorter and the other longer and thinner." Stiles was nearly inconsolable. "But in reality, you're both fatter _and_ longer! Our dicks aren't compatible!" Stiles tugged on his shorter, thinner dick dispiritedly.

"Stiles," Derek sighed. "You know that fanfic isn't real life, right? _I_ know that _you_ know that books are fiction."

"Yeah, but-"

"But nothing," declared Derek. "You love me, right?" He waited for Stiles to nod. "And I love you."

"But our dicks," Stiles began.

"Are very happy to see each other," Derek interrupted. "Do you really not want to see where this could go? Where _we_ could go? Because of what, fanfic?" Stiles dropped his head and Derek reached out with a finger to raise his chin up again. "We'll never find out if this can work if you don't give us a chance."

"You're right." Stiles smiled tremulously at Derek. He laughed softly. "I'm sorry, I'm being an idiot."

"Hey," Derek said softly. "You're my idiot."

"God, you're such a sap," Stiles exclaimed.

"Only for you." Derek grinned at him. 

"I'm sorry. I've kind of ruined the mood," Stiles pouted at their now-limp dicks. "Can we just sleep? If you don't mind me staying the night, that is. Feel free to kick me out for being a tease." Stiles batted his eyelashes playfully.

"C'mon." Derek grinned as he grabbed Stiles' hand. "You always have a place here."

* * *

They may have had incompatible dicks but they still managed to live happily ever after.

**Author's Note:**

> This was just a little bunny I had after I came across the fatter!shorter dick/thinner!longer dick combination for the nth time in multiple fandoms and published novels.
> 
> ...I hope someone liked it! *runs and hides and basks in anonymity*


End file.
